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I've been meditating on what it means to put Christ in the center of my life. I don't mean just in my thinking but in my identity, the essence of who I am...I wanted everyone to notice me before and now all I want to do is give up any notion that I am anything without Christ. I'm a sinner who needed the God of the universe to save me from my determination to get to hell, seemingly as fast as my pride would take me. I'm in awe of the author of my salvation.

Growing up I always seemed to have a heart for people in need, not that I did much to help them. Not nearly as much as I should've looking back. Nevetheless I always thought it was so beautiful to see people reach out and give themselves to such selfless causes. That seems noble you say, but the fact is I wanted people to notice me in reaching out to people.

I figured out what was so unsettling about my heart. A person of God can almost be outlined in the Bible...a checklist of sorts. I've gone over the gospels over and over again. I noticed how 'noble' it was to be a man of God and how admirable it was to be a man of God. And so I found my idol at a young age. My goal was to become a man of God. That was my center. "Be a good friend and a good husband". Acceptance of People and a great wife, that about wrapped up my center. I loved the idea of helping the poor, building houses, going on mission trips...but what I loved more was the idea of people watching me do those things. Never had I been praying for the poor when I'm by myself (That's something very new to me in my private life). It was always to show people something about MY changed heart for Christ. I had something to prove to people. "I'm Stephen and I'm a great Christian"...maybe I could even throw in a little "Radiohead culture" to my identity to give me a cool 'original' edge.

For years I've been exhausted, anxious. Just trying and trying to get things right. Life was really depressing because I could never figure out what people were wanting me to be. And now that I have Christ I can stop and rest. In an army barracks room I can open my Bible and rest in it's words. It's the most satisfying feeling I've ever felt before. 750 miles away from home always felt so lonely, but I am home. Christ is my home. Now I want to do things for people and I have the strength to love them because of the love I'm receiving from Christ. It really does flow and the more I get the more I give. Thing is the closer I draw to Christ, the more I wish for other people around me to experience that same joy. The more I look past faults and hang ups people have. My needs are so drastically met with my own relationship with Christ that I have so much more to give those who have nothing to give me in return.



Current thoughts I'm meditating on:
Shame in my sin that wont allow me to seek God isn't holy...it's sin disguised as repentance.

Christ has experienced everything I will ever know. He's my counselor.

Christ is a brother, a Captain and a King
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Over analyzing everything, I know the people I love the most are people who seem to be more free, yet not totally free from the monster of anxieties. So it's easy to push aside those things I'm not trusting God with in hopes of becoming someone who is more fun loving...here again my pride shows how ugly I am. A focus on me. The fact is this problem has gotten so bad I'm avoiding life altogether. It's a lot easier for me to avoid situations that might bring more anxiety to my life, so I've gotten into a really horrible habit of being quiet. I'd rather not drive, talk, flirt, date or do anything I would consider to be a potential pain in my future's moments frozen in time to think about forever.

The biggest most important decision of my life was to accept Jesus Christ as my savior. By God's grace that wasn't something I had a hard time giving over to God. I was dead in my sin and I was chosen by God. I felt and feel helpless for my salvation knowing the only way we experience joy in this life and heaven is through Christ. However there are those 'things' in life that don't seem so important.

I have to ask myself is it really chance that got me through Iraq or the countless hours of driving here in America? Do I believe God was present in the darkest days of my life? Was he there when I was so weak from crying on the floor of the hospital when my mom died? These are really hard things that have made walls in my life. I feel like they are threats to how painful and dangerous life can be. My only resolve so far had been it happened. I couldn't get over the fact that there were events in my life that were very dark and they have caused a huge crutch in my life.

Prayer has been my only relief. When insomnia has plagued my entire trip here toward the end I really let God have it. I really have been giving huge anxieties over to him. I can't really express how the holy spirit works in prayer, but just confessing my anxieties has been a huge comfort the past couple of days. I slept so good last night as I felt huge weights lifted off my mind, heart and soul. I'm seeing the world a lot less like a mine field and more like an opportunity to seek the joys of Christ.

I hope God's grace in my life is encouraging to you. It's been extremely easy for me to get caught up in the up and downs of life but Christ has sent the holy spirit. For me the word prayer has been used so much as a 'wishful thinking' kind of action. It seems I've gotten so used to prayer that my time in prayer has been more like liberal moments of silence. Now however prayer has become a time to seek Christ and submit myself to God's will.]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry080625-172244
Being brought up in America I realized I had and still hold American guidelines to Christianity. What about Christ? Of course we know he never sinned and lived a perfect life yet he was friends with those who weren't seen as 'good' company...Luk 7:34 The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, 'Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!'

I bring up culture because it seems people are starting to take stronger stances in their beliefs. The church itself seems to have a stronger voice as relativism is seen for the fallacy it really is. As Christians it is really important for us not to become self enclosed in our Christian bubble. Now is more of a time than any other time to show the world we aren't narrow minded in our love to people who oppose our truth in Christ. It's imperative to become people who are humble by the grace of God, that although we know Christ is the only way to heaven, we don't look down upon people who don't hold our views. Of course our earnest wish is for everyone to accept Christ and experience the joy and freedom we have in Christ.

It breaks my heart to hear Christians say "Those idiots" "Jerks" or whatever other condemning words they have to say about someone who doesn't agree 100% with them. Should we accept people to believe what they want? No, the truth of Christ should be prioritized to the top of our debates. Something so important and beautiful should be carefully examined of course.

The point I'm probably failing to make is Christians are suppose to be noticed for their love for each other and for their love of other people. Let us not become the narrow stereotypical people who misrepresent the Bible to those who might be watching us. Christ himself showed hospitality to prostitutes, demon possessed men, drunkards, the begging, the widowed, the ignorant, the haughty...the "jerks" of society. He showed them grace as he's shown me grace. The comparison of us showing grace to people whose lifestyles oppose ours and the way our lifestyle opposed Christ's can't even be compared to. Please note I'm not saying accept. That's very important! Our gain ultimately should be to show these people the prison of their ways and the freedom we have in Christ. How prideful I've been to not share a joy which I prize above anything I've ever known. How prideful I've been to live in a tight Christian circle of friends not conversing with those who probably thought I was really arrogant to them. I certainly know I haven't been bringing glory to God by only conversing with Christians.

The Bible says we will suffer for our beliefs. That doesn't mean being single or other trivial things we think are suffering. It means actually suffering for standing firm in Christ. I haven't been suffering at all and that's a wake up call for me to seek Christ all the more.

John Piper has an amazing blog i just found on the internet about this very subject. Read on... http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibr ... ach_Other/]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry080621-225202
A silent peace rests upon my thoughts. No longer do I find myself desiring more, but contemplating the overflowing satisfaction I have in being in Christ that moment and beyond. The shouts of the world telling me to be a certain type of person are not only silenced but cast down. What a spring of joy that has been in the seeminly 25 year desert of my life.

It seems the holy spirit is whispering louder to me when I'm not focused on Christ. I feel a miserable sinking feeling when my eyes are focused on myself. Like thousands of desires pulling me into a pit of despair. When this world has nothing to offer, but fleeting moments of pain. All too often I stay too busy to hear the voice of God in my life. The tv with a constant glow and a mumble of lies. How great it is to turn everything off but a light and a focus on Christ.

I struggle with these things constantly. Sliding back and forth like a ship being tossed by a sea of confusion. I struggle with wanting holy things such as marriage when my satisfaction is found in Christ, not on gifts even if my deisres are centered on holy gifts. My hope comes from denying my fleshly desires not seeking them. Gifts from God are great, but they aren't Christ. They don't give me an all satisfying joy. They lead me to be unsatisfied in my relationship with Christ in turn focusing on myself and losing my view of Christ's beauty and sacrifice.

I rest not in the promises of the world, but in the whispers of God. A constant sinner, unaccepted by the world, but rested in the truth of Christ. My heart echos the words of Paul to the Phillipians

Php 1:27 Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel,
Php 1:28 and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God.
Php 1:29 For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake,
Php 1:30 engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have.]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry080620-023335
Why do I rest in my pride so often? I've been burned enough times by sin to realize following Christ will always be my only true rest. I'm nothing and I know this now more than ever. I've been asking God to reveal my depravity to me and as it's being revealed I almost want to hide myself from the world. I simply don't like who I am without Christ and a lot of Christ.
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Just a couple more days and I'll be home probably doing the same thing I'm doing now, reading stuff on the net and books. I guess I can be honest with myself and say I'm a little nervous to go home as I've changed so much. People change going to London for school or backpacking through Europe, but I was in a hostile area where live rounds by both sides could be heard on a daily basis. Needless to say I've changed a lot from that experience. Afghanistan wasn't long enough for me to really change my world view. I've spent 1/25th of my life in Iraq...that's a pretty big chunk of my life time. The change I'm afraid of has nothing to do with my family, but more to do with those I haven't talked to in years. Those 'friends' I have on Facebook who either on my part or their part, failed to sustain a friendship and for some reason they haven't deleted me from their list.

I'm also a little afraid I won't be able to relate to the civilian jokes. The things that used to be important to me aren't important to me anymore. Flashy cars, fat banks, popularity and being cool just don't make much sense to me.

I can't relate to having a girl like me so much and I like her so much as to start dating. The concepts of dating and settling down are very foreign. Grant it I've been bombarded with some of the most horrific married people I know. I haven't been on a date since 2004. Most guys would be angry, but the only person I'm angry at is myself. Why did I 'date' before? What was the point? Sappy romance which really ended into nothing. When dating ends it leaves another good friend in the past and that's not how I want to treat my sisters in Christ. I can't believe I've turned around from the way I was before. Simply confessing I used to rather obsess about interests and I'm glad God has worked in this area of my life. It's been bringing lots of fruit to my life.

Playing the piano has been one of the most relaxing and renewing times of my life. Since it'd be rather hard to bring a piano up here, I'm probably going to buy an electronic weighted key piano board. Then I could practice Chopin anytime I'm off work.]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry080601-155516
As I've been home its been extremely hard to relate to most of my civilian friends here in Georgia. How are you I'll say and usually I'll get an answer about some minute, negative observation they have about life. I really don't know how to answer them. How am I? Well, I almost died quite a few times from IEDs, rockets and mortars...2 buddies I used to hang out with are KIA and a few others from my unit are gone who I didn't know very well.

God's power has been upped a lot in my life. It's not about fun Bible studies with a few snacks on the side anymore. It's about calling guys and saying I need you and I need God. It seems our clinging to God has 1% to do with our own desire or fascination with God and the other 99% has to do with our desperation for Him in troubled times. Grant it, it should be 100% for our desperate need, but we are sinful and our hearts really have no desire at all on our own merit. (I know people are going to pick points with me on that one).

I sit here and feel the hopelessness of the world. The dreary clouds are but a reminder that the world's promises lead to eternal death. The power of God and our desperation for Him can only be met in times of a humbled relationship with him. We will not know God when we make much of ourselves. We will not understand how powerful and great our king is until we put down our mirrors and look up to the greatness of Christ.

Desperately I can tell you from war...when death is something I reasoned I was okay with. Stop holding onto this world. Stop holding onto those things which are blinding you to the greatness of Christ. Our days are numbered, some of us shorter than others and there are no guarentees you will live to be a day older than today. Studying the Bible isn't school work, praying isn't a 'new age spiritual' journey...it's a lot bigger than we reason in our heads. He's the creator and ultimate ruler of our lives. Run to Christ as if eternal suffering were always a step behind us and Christ was before us.]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry080520-122051
There is a perfectly normal part of me that wants to go back to Iraq. Things were extremely structured there. Everyone knew what they were doing and why they were doing it. I didn't have to worry about soldiers getting into trouble that much. Now, we all have the freedom of America. What a great freedom that is, but what an easy freedom that is for a soldier to abuse.

I have a tad bit of survivors guilt. Here we are going out and relaxing a little bit while families who are within 10 miles of us are still devestated by the death of their own. I can't imagine the pain they are going through and its really hard to know whats going on inside barracks rooms. The past 2 deployments people kill themselves and kill others here in my barracks. Its a crazy world out there isn't it? Soldiers around here have been acting like they are on Spring Break in Cancun. I've yelled shut up who knows how many times hoping they recognize my position before I lose it...yeah, even I have some aggression that was nessacary during deployment, but is no longer needed. It's trailing off now.

I'm learning to disconnect myself from all the soldiers going crazy. There are a few who like to drink a little bit and there are fewer who are true Christians who like to hang out and have fellowship. The quote that was said to me many times is now making sense and its been a huge problem growing up..."Bad company corrupts good character". If I'm truly going to be free to love God with all of my heart I'm going to have to put my heart into action by finding those friends who can help spur on my love for God as I can for them. Many guys talk about it, but few take initiative. I seem to be a really big quiet strength as everyone regonizes me as someone who stands apart on my own ideas and character. A rock as it says in the Psalms I guess. Not being highly connected to people and needing them for validation has helped me grow into someone who wont sway from my convictions. I pray God grounds these other floating Christians so we could start something beyond the normal chaplain "careful not to say anything offensive about other religions drabble". I really could use strong Christian friends here.

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I was able to fast from a few things the past 15 months. Normal clothes, alcohol, dating/talking to girls. I've really learned a lot about life and the meaning of Christianity while stationed here in Iraq. The amazing journey I've taken with God has led me up to this point. To worry about the future is to not focus on today and what God has for me today. I can't change the past nor can I predict the future. That puts me here. Dead in the center of time as it happens.

There's so much I have to be thankful for. Things that have to be remembered during the busy most annoying parts of the day. The gift of singleness God has given me can be celebrated with the freedom I have to praise God in it.

The most important thing I've learned here is to stick up for what I believe in. To be rooted in Christ, far enough away from the swaying of non believers and close enough to Christ to stand firm in him. I've learned how to sit still and listen. Before that really made no sense to me. Now, I see the importance of remembering who I am and who God is. As simple as that. Listen to the answered prayers in my past, listen to the straying of my heart, listen to the commands of God and meditate on his word (how can i apply the Word to my life). Its easy to get busy working 18 hours a day some days, but having that time to write or get away from everything is essential to having a strong relationship with Christ. Prayer and meditation go hand in hand. They both are foundational to the growth one has to Christ. If I get caught in the worldly whirlwind and my focus is not on Christ I can soon expect joyless, peaceless days of sin.

If the joy in Christ is promised not based on wealth, but on him I will really put my conviction into action. I don't want to be a one sided Christian who wants wants wants, but only says "oh my joy isn't found in my wealth". I want to live what I believe...physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I want my life to be systematically Christian. Balanced in the Word over every area of me life.

Sometimes it seems its easy to 'act the part of a Christian' with our strengths. A certain tempation is easy to overcome so we boast. I want to boast in Christ even in my weakness, even in the worst of my sinful days so as to not let myself get thrown off the race. Self pity it seems is spiritually prideful. Staying humble in our reptenance seems easy, a self given, but my act of self pity "I'm no good for you" cries and giving up are simply prideful. God knows I'm not good for him, so why give up when I had nothing to do with him choosing me in the first place.

What a great, hard and important year
stephen
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Our flag flies free over our small base in Iraq. I worked hard for it and it's bright red white and blue colors are now more beautiful than I've ever known them to be. I've known men who helped paint that flag red and I can do nothing but have a sheer respect for it always remembering those we've lost for the imperfect yet free nation we call home.

The dust swirls on the ground as the double bladed chinook helicopters carry off my crew. I stayed back helping the new unit get into the routine of things as this jobs expectations far exceeded what I thought it was going to be like.

I clean my gear and my rifle knowing the history behind it's travel by my side.

EOD exploded some leftover munitions the other day which took my breath away. The bass of the boom was so loud our concrete buildings shook with pieces of concrete falling to the floor reminding me of the rocket and mortar attacks we had earlier last year. Uh, I can't wait to get out of here. There's a guarded 'what if' in the back of my mind constantly as there is with everyone here.

All that I have now is a rucksack, computer, backpack and of course my vest and weapon...

I stand now as a leader, ultimately led by the words of Jesus Christ but now as a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army...

Sgt Westerfield]]>