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Emotional walls are built by apathetic hearts. The soldier stares blank at the camera because the disconnect makes sense. The enjoyment of life flows around him, but never through him. A sad time. To become close to people again means being wiser in relationships. If I've ever been emotionally scarred by someone, I see no reason to ever be close to them again; not in the way people should be close.

I guess a person can give up in a lot of ways. On the outside a person can succeed in their dreams, but give up on people altogether. When the protection of bitterness runs its course we are left with no protection but silence. Nothing but a blank stare forced to hug ourselves in the white jacket. Maybe I've been there.

The walls are torn down when the waters have been tested and proven. ]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry100104-162407 The symbolism couldn't be true
For if my heart new my love
Its beats would quietly subdue

My brain should beat
For my hearts a slave
My quest for joy
Forgive me heart, I'm not that brave

To open my heart for all to see
The shrunken blackness I fear I'll display
An area but rarely visited
The mystery of it, in a complex array

I've finally come for the witch
I'm out of ideas
Where's my heart
My tin builds rust]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry100104-154213
What I have learned, to be positive, is that people naturally devote their conscious energy to their outlets. For me that outlet is learning how the broader world works and connects. It has nothing to do with people. I like people the most because I can observe them, but a relationship is a lot more complicated than merely observing a person. There's feelings, thoughts, moods, ideas...and the effect one has on the other person only complicates matters.

Personality revolutions happen when I find a way of being more attractive and naturally done. My analytical nature took me far in personality research, but who cares when the essence of a person lies within their passions, goals, values, ideals and beliefs. I'm convinced people relate more on these things than activities. Perhaps its a passion for an activity...music, fishing, golf ect.

So, here I am. Analyzing why analyzing is a waste of time socially. Writing poetry because speaking from my heart would feel too vulnerable and make me feel less manly. What have I become. I feel deeply because I empathize with those who hurt, but American society teaches men how to behave.

My dad went to a Bible study for men called "Mighty Men". The name says a lot about what the American church thinks a man should be. I think a better name for a man should be vulnerable men. Men who mask themselves 6 days a week.

Now sure I could blame the nurture side of Freuds argument, but I'd rather blame myself for not making myself vulnerable enough to people to allow pain for the exchange in getting close to someone. What wasted relationships I've had these past years with no one cloe to me. No, I couldn't dive into deep heart to heart talks yet. I'm new to the experience.

If a mind is all I have to offer I've missed the joy of really knowing anyone.]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry100101-205132
Running everyday has been a great relief. Running, for me, is like meditating for others. It grounds me to my five senses and frees me from my idealistic mind. If I'm frustrated I can always push myself harder and release more endorphins.

I wish to lose myself and not bother looking...
]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry091217-122309
Maybe I've changed or the people around me have changed. Whatever the case, I find myself unable to bounce my thoughts to anyone. The bitterness that is the infantry! What lives some live as they trade lies in exchange for stolen pride. Their thoughts top out at women, alcohol and infantry. No wonder no one cares about aesthetics around here.

How am I doing? I'm scared to even ask myself that question. The answer no more comes naturally as does a watch in the desert. I feel like I'm missing out on life. Maybe if my dream was to become a war junkie I would be thrilled at the residence I have so gained. The men to my left and right aren't the gentlemen we once knew of the army in the 40's. It's no wonder why the soldier is no longer seen as a 'catch'. I wouldn't be surprised after all the soldiers return would America see a baby implosion instead of a boom. My ideal army doesn't exist and I'm satisfied to leave an army ruled by restrictions instead of pride.

Lately I've been extremely quiet. Perhaps because I'm exhausted of other people's input or complaints. I just see it as useless tyraids of sorrow. Ultimately, bringing everyone down around them. I'd rather distance myself from that as a way of protecting myself. I've been enjoying researching personalities and reading old classic books online when my eyes dont hurt. I've been absolutely obsessed with Boards of Canada's Music is Math and Hi Scores. I play guitar to relax and practice drum strokes on a practice pad and sticks for artistic growth if you will. Makes me feel like I'm growing in some way. Chatting with my wife Olivia for an hour or so a day is the highlight of each day.

God seems to be knocking on my door, but its hard to have an open mind and heart in a place where everyone drags me down. I'm really interested in reading the Bible poetically meaning, regarding it as the truth, but reading it as wisdom and not an instruction manual picked apart by rules of grammer. Christians seem to be in awe of the writings of 16th-19th century authors. Maybe we're reading it with the wrong attitude. Intellectualism almost killed my faith. They seemed to be able to combine the heart, mind and soul into their faith with God. Something I've never done.
]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry091217-114419 Naivete's web of cruelty
Maturity drowns bounds of wonder
Nature's voice muffled by our dreams
Freedom to live, freedom to shun
The echos too distant to hear
Imagine past's stone word
Feel it, rest in it, never touch it
Each second a coffin in time
Buried in fuzzy thoughts to become fuzzy minds
Is life not the race to relive the beginning
To know love without walls
Wisdom brings fate, fate to explain
Wrongly thinking, the magic unknown
Would I trade my years of wisdom]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry080724-095628
I knew there was probably something a little off about me on leave in Fort Worth. I really didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. It's just taking longer than I thought to readjust to the area. My passions seemed to have taken a sharp turn. Before I wanted to be a great guy (smart, wise, fit, ect). Now I'd rather read a book and sit at home on Friday nights. Being alone doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did before. I don't feel reclusive about it.

It's been hard to get into the Bible lately. It's a lot easier to totally distract myself from the here and now. When I approach the Bible I know my defenses have to go down. That's not the easiest thing to do in the army. It's not a switch that's easily turned on and off. Some of you may grasp the idea, but most of you will only assume you know how my life has been the past three years.

I continue to tear down walls. I still don't think I know myself as well as I should, but it takes time.

stephen]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry080719-102121
I pass a river and stop to catch my breath. It's amazing how nature speaks to us...How God uses nature to speak to us. There's something beyond me I realize when I run. Maybe the fact that these trees and rivers will still be here long after I'm dead. It's humbling. Just to stop and and realize everything I'm missing. Running is a slow process and the beauty just off the road doesn't zip by as fast as driving a car would. A mountain bike, still too fast.

Death, war, friendships lost forever, suicide...Birth, marriage, love...Life is full of emotion and I've experience all of those emotions, but the beauty of Christ is still beyond my comprehension. My mind is a goldminer's pale searching a small stream for the riches or Christ...yet I don't realize the whole mountain range behind me is the beauty of Christ.

When I'm more 'enlightened' to the riches of Christ I'm always suprised. I generalize the Bible so much in my head then I come across something that blows my mind away. Will I as the goldminer realize there's so much more to be found? Or will I become satisfied with the few things I know of Christ?

I will journal less from now on unless I really feel convicted to write. Everyone, everything but God seems so far right now...I'd like to seek God without judgements of my journal.]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry080713-014213

Dare say we, the life of scattered purpose
Earth sings a melody
For death in the end as a goal
The end of tomorrow

A dark formless shadow
Lifeless and thoughtless
Pain's last cry
A whisper to stop

A spade to dig a continent
Flowers wilt and die
Twenty five trees
Roots uknown to grow

You are me is he
I start where I feel
waiting and hoping
wanting and wasting

Twenty five trees
Roots deeper; I tire from digging
Each wiser
Clinched spade and dying minds]]> http://www.stephen.westerfunk.net/index.php?entry=entry080708-221641
The holy spirit has been teaching me to combat pride. It's easy to sense my pride rise up because my thirst for God decreases drastically...just in a days time. I look at my life and ask myself what am I seeking satisfaction in that's not from God.

There's an interesting difference I've noticed in finding my satisfaction in Christ versus the world. When I seek the world there aren't promises of joy, happiness and peace which Christ promises us when we seek him. I always feel shattered when I seek the world...like I'm trying to fix my pride with duck tape. Seeking the world's promises is essentially trying to fix pride with pride. What misery we bring to ourselves!

It's been extremely important for me to acknowledge where I'm seeking myself in the world...I've found that simply praising God for everything I have and acknowledging his glory above everything has been rather humbling in my flares of pride.

When I'm frustrated in the 'army times' praise God I have a job! Praise God for opening up people's hearts to hearing about Christ around here that they also may have a complete satisfying joy in Christ. Praise God for the promises I have in him...never changing, always more than I desire; promises. Praise God for designing me to find my hope in Christ and not in my sinful pursuits. Praise God for the eternal glory and majesty found in Christ...I pray we will be more than satisfied in him now and forevermore!]]>