The glory of Christ has aggressively turned my life upside down and the way I once thought.

I've been meditating on what it means to put Christ in the center of my life. I don't mean just in my thinking but in my identity, the essence of who I am...I wanted everyone to notice me before and now all I want to do is give up any notion that I am anything without Christ. I'm a sinner who needed the God of the universe to save me from my determination to get to hell, seemingly as fast as my pride would take me. I'm in awe of the author of my salvation.

Growing up I always seemed to have a heart for people in need, not that I did much to help them. Not nearly as much as I should've looking back. Nevetheless I always thought it was so beautiful to see people reach out and give themselves to such selfless causes. That seems noble you say, but the fact is I wanted people to notice me in reaching out to people.

I figured out what was so unsettling about my heart. A person of God can almost be outlined in the Bible...a checklist of sorts. I've gone over the gospels over and over again. I noticed how 'noble' it was to be a man of God and how admirable it was to be a man of God. And so I found my idol at a young age. My goal was to become a man of God. That was my center. "Be a good friend and a good husband". Acceptance of People and a great wife, that about wrapped up my center. I loved the idea of helping the poor, building houses, going on mission trips...but what I loved more was the idea of people watching me do those things. Never had I been praying for the poor when I'm by myself (That's something very new to me in my private life). It was always to show people something about MY changed heart for Christ. I had something to prove to people. "I'm Stephen and I'm a great Christian"...maybe I could even throw in a little "Radiohead culture" to my identity to give me a cool 'original' edge.

For years I've been exhausted, anxious. Just trying and trying to get things right. Life was really depressing because I could never figure out what people were wanting me to be. And now that I have Christ I can stop and rest. In an army barracks room I can open my Bible and rest in it's words. It's the most satisfying feeling I've ever felt before. 750 miles away from home always felt so lonely, but I am home. Christ is my home. Now I want to do things for people and I have the strength to love them because of the love I'm receiving from Christ. It really does flow and the more I get the more I give. Thing is the closer I draw to Christ, the more I wish for other people around me to experience that same joy. The more I look past faults and hang ups people have. My needs are so drastically met with my own relationship with Christ that I have so much more to give those who have nothing to give me in return.



Current thoughts I'm meditating on:
Shame in my sin that wont allow me to seek God isn't holy...it's sin disguised as repentance.

Christ has experienced everything I will ever know. He's my counselor.

Christ is a brother, a Captain and a King

Time is a strange thing. It goes on, continuing in the process of freezing moments, each one containing its place in history. We can't change the past but only rest in God's gift of peace. Although I know the past is something I have to come to terms with as we all do, the future is something I have no control over. Alas, the subject of my life. The anxieties of my future. As I've pondered trusting God, my worst problem came to light. Am I trusting God at all with my life? Can I be honest enough with myself to admit how obvious it is I'm simply not. It's a really hard and humbling thing to write not really knowing who all is reading this.

Over analyzing everything, I know the people I love the most are people who seem to be more free, yet not totally free from the monster of anxieties. So it's easy to push aside those things I'm not trusting God with in hopes of becoming someone who is more fun loving...here again my pride shows how ugly I am. A focus on me. The fact is this problem has gotten so bad I'm avoiding life altogether. It's a lot easier for me to avoid situations that might bring more anxiety to my life, so I've gotten into a really horrible habit of being quiet. I'd rather not drive, talk, flirt, date or do anything I would consider to be a potential pain in my future's moments frozen in time to think about forever.

The biggest most important decision of my life was to accept Jesus Christ as my savior. By God's grace that wasn't something I had a hard time giving over to God. I was dead in my sin and I was chosen by God. I felt and feel helpless for my salvation knowing the only way we experience joy in this life and heaven is through Christ. However there are those 'things' in life that don't seem so important.

I have to ask myself is it really chance that got me through Iraq or the countless hours of driving here in America? Do I believe God was present in the darkest days of my life? Was he there when I was so weak from crying on the floor of the hospital when my mom died? These are really hard things that have made walls in my life. I feel like they are threats to how painful and dangerous life can be. My only resolve so far had been it happened. I couldn't get over the fact that there were events in my life that were very dark and they have caused a huge crutch in my life.

Prayer has been my only relief. When insomnia has plagued my entire trip here toward the end I really let God have it. I really have been giving huge anxieties over to him. I can't really express how the holy spirit works in prayer, but just confessing my anxieties has been a huge comfort the past couple of days. I slept so good last night as I felt huge weights lifted off my mind, heart and soul. I'm seeing the world a lot less like a mine field and more like an opportunity to seek the joys of Christ.

I hope God's grace in my life is encouraging to you. It's been extremely easy for me to get caught up in the up and downs of life but Christ has sent the holy spirit. For me the word prayer has been used so much as a 'wishful thinking' kind of action. It seems I've gotten so used to prayer that my time in prayer has been more like liberal moments of silence. Now however prayer has become a time to seek Christ and submit myself to God's will.

It's very interesting to read about Christian history and see how culture plays a key role in developing our philosophical views, even our theology. An important value to note are the different cultures that praise God in very different ways. Iraq opened me up to see how different a brother in Christ I met from Pakistan worshiped God through music I didn't really find appealing. Years before I went to Belize, Guatemala and Mexico all of which had different ways they centered Christ in their hearts. They really opened me up to see there are other creative ways of being a Christian. My views of growing up in a mostly white church with white cultured music and a white way of doing things aren't the supreme ways of doing things. In our imperfect flesh there are some things the white church fails at and other churches have a more Christ centered heart on. One of my sergeants in the army who grew up in a predominately black church grew up praising God in gospel music...I even had the chance to play drums for the gospel choir in an all black choir except for two of us. My eyes were really opened up to see how drawn to Christ I was after participating in something I was very ignorant of. I now can praise God for the different ways people worship God and how the holy spirit has opened me up to the riches of other people's hearts for Christ.

Being brought up in America I realized I had and still hold American guidelines to Christianity. What about Christ? Of course we know he never sinned and lived a perfect life yet he was friends with those who weren't seen as 'good' company...Luk 7:34 The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, 'Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!'

I bring up culture because it seems people are starting to take stronger stances in their beliefs. The church itself seems to have a stronger voice as relativism is seen for the fallacy it really is. As Christians it is really important for us not to become self enclosed in our Christian bubble. Now is more of a time than any other time to show the world we aren't narrow minded in our love to people who oppose our truth in Christ. It's imperative to become people who are humble by the grace of God, that although we know Christ is the only way to heaven, we don't look down upon people who don't hold our views. Of course our earnest wish is for everyone to accept Christ and experience the joy and freedom we have in Christ.

It breaks my heart to hear Christians say "Those idiots" "Jerks" or whatever other condemning words they have to say about someone who doesn't agree 100% with them. Should we accept people to believe what they want? No, the truth of Christ should be prioritized to the top of our debates. Something so important and beautiful should be carefully examined of course.

The point I'm probably failing to make is Christians are suppose to be noticed for their love for each other and for their love of other people. Let us not become the narrow stereotypical people who misrepresent the Bible to those who might be watching us. Christ himself showed hospitality to prostitutes, demon possessed men, drunkards, the begging, the widowed, the ignorant, the haughty...the "jerks" of society. He showed them grace as he's shown me grace. The comparison of us showing grace to people whose lifestyles oppose ours and the way our lifestyle opposed Christ's can't even be compared to. Please note I'm not saying accept. That's very important! Our gain ultimately should be to show these people the prison of their ways and the freedom we have in Christ. How prideful I've been to not share a joy which I prize above anything I've ever known. How prideful I've been to live in a tight Christian circle of friends not conversing with those who probably thought I was really arrogant to them. I certainly know I haven't been bringing glory to God by only conversing with Christians.

The Bible says we will suffer for our beliefs. That doesn't mean being single or other trivial things we think are suffering. It means actually suffering for standing firm in Christ. I haven't been suffering at all and that's a wake up call for me to seek Christ all the more.

John Piper has an amazing blog i just found on the internet about this very subject. Read on... http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibr ... ach_Other/

I rest in God knowing he guides me down the path of his will. How scary it would be for God to show me worldly "love" by giving me everything I ask for. When centering my entire focus on Christ I receive a grace I didn't ask for. A grace so inticing, so priceless the desires of my flesh become subnotes to the new direction I see my life taking.

A silent peace rests upon my thoughts. No longer do I find myself desiring more, but contemplating the overflowing satisfaction I have in being in Christ that moment and beyond. The shouts of the world telling me to be a certain type of person are not only silenced but cast down. What a spring of joy that has been in the seeminly 25 year desert of my life.

It seems the holy spirit is whispering louder to me when I'm not focused on Christ. I feel a miserable sinking feeling when my eyes are focused on myself. Like thousands of desires pulling me into a pit of despair. When this world has nothing to offer, but fleeting moments of pain. All too often I stay too busy to hear the voice of God in my life. The tv with a constant glow and a mumble of lies. How great it is to turn everything off but a light and a focus on Christ.

I struggle with these things constantly. Sliding back and forth like a ship being tossed by a sea of confusion. I struggle with wanting holy things such as marriage when my satisfaction is found in Christ, not on gifts even if my deisres are centered on holy gifts. My hope comes from denying my fleshly desires not seeking them. Gifts from God are great, but they aren't Christ. They don't give me an all satisfying joy. They lead me to be unsatisfied in my relationship with Christ in turn focusing on myself and losing my view of Christ's beauty and sacrifice.

I rest not in the promises of the world, but in the whispers of God. A constant sinner, unaccepted by the world, but rested in the truth of Christ. My heart echos the words of Paul to the Phillipians

Php 1:27 Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel,
Php 1:28 and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God.
Php 1:29 For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake,
Php 1:30 engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have.

When does pride end? It seems it wakes up with me in the morning and stays awake during my dreams. Only in Christ can I feel the permanant resident of pride retire for a while, but in my sinful nature it returns.

Why do I rest in my pride so often? I've been burned enough times by sin to realize following Christ will always be my only true rest. I'm nothing and I know this now more than ever. I've been asking God to reveal my depravity to me and as it's being revealed I almost want to hide myself from the world. I simply don't like who I am without Christ and a lot of Christ.