When it seems every relationship I've ever had has been betrayed in some manner, what now. The level of trust in my life can be physically viewed by my overall demeanor toward people. So much as a smile is hard to come by these days. I've learned to block the outside world so well I've blocked myself from being able to express myself to the world. I suppose that's bad, but I also suppose life is unique in people's interpretations. The world is dark and in that darkness we relate to each other.

Emotional walls are built by apathetic hearts. The soldier stares blank at the camera because the disconnect makes sense. The enjoyment of life flows around him, but never through him. A sad time. To become close to people again means being wiser in relationships. If I've ever been emotionally scarred by someone, I see no reason to ever be close to them again; not in the way people should be close.

I guess a person can give up in a lot of ways. On the outside a person can succeed in their dreams, but give up on people altogether. When the protection of bitterness runs its course we are left with no protection but silence. Nothing but a blank stare forced to hug ourselves in the white jacket. Maybe I've been there.

The walls are torn down when the waters have been tested and proven.

Beatings of my heart amaze me
The symbolism couldn't be true
For if my heart new my love
Its beats would quietly subdue

My brain should beat
For my hearts a slave
My quest for joy
Forgive me heart, I'm not that brave

To open my heart for all to see
The shrunken blackness I fear I'll display
An area but rarely visited
The mystery of it, in a complex array

I've finally come for the witch
I'm out of ideas
Where's my heart
My tin builds rust

I feel absolutely emotionally drained. Maybe I assume relationships are extremely simple and I've been failing at pretty much every relationship I have in my life. It seems I can't even get along with acquaintances these days.

What I have learned, to be positive, is that people naturally devote their conscious energy to their outlets. For me that outlet is learning how the broader world works and connects. It has nothing to do with people. I like people the most because I can observe them, but a relationship is a lot more complicated than merely observing a person. There's feelings, thoughts, moods, ideas...and the effect one has on the other person only complicates matters.

Personality revolutions happen when I find a way of being more attractive and naturally done. My analytical nature took me far in personality research, but who cares when the essence of a person lies within their passions, goals, values, ideals and beliefs. I'm convinced people relate more on these things than activities. Perhaps its a passion for an activity...music, fishing, golf ect.

So, here I am. Analyzing why analyzing is a waste of time socially. Writing poetry because speaking from my heart would feel too vulnerable and make me feel less manly. What have I become. I feel deeply because I empathize with those who hurt, but American society teaches men how to behave.

My dad went to a Bible study for men called "Mighty Men". The name says a lot about what the American church thinks a man should be. I think a better name for a man should be vulnerable men. Men who mask themselves 6 days a week.

Now sure I could blame the nurture side of Freuds argument, but I'd rather blame myself for not making myself vulnerable enough to people to allow pain for the exchange in getting close to someone. What wasted relationships I've had these past years with no one cloe to me. No, I couldn't dive into deep heart to heart talks yet. I'm new to the experience.

If a mind is all I have to offer I've missed the joy of really knowing anyone.

Finding things to occupy my time has been at the forefront of my days. It's very easy for me to Google myself to death...constantly searching for different things that don't benefit me one way or the other. Lately, however, I've put some discipline into what I'm doing with my time and I've noticed a change in my overall demeanor. When I want to grow in knowledge I've been letting Math take full spectrum. Some websites are better teachers of subjects than professors and I've always had a fascination with math. Learning it on my own also gives me the ability to ask why, when teachers could care less as I don't take "It just is" very well. Right now I'm focusing on Trigonometry which is used a lot in NASA. I've never quite understood my Einstein personality correlation, but as of now I see exactly why math 'did it for him'.

Running everyday has been a great relief. Running, for me, is like meditating for others. It grounds me to my five senses and frees me from my idealistic mind. If I'm frustrated I can always push myself harder and release more endorphins.

I wish to lose myself and not bother looking...

It's so important to pursue things that bring a sense of wonder back to the soul. For the past year I've been so consumed in life that I've forgotten how. It's a placement of the soul. It seems I've kept my soul too close to my mind...it's been drowning in the circular thoughts of worry. I love it here. I don't think of the words, I listen to them. To bring myself here has taken an outside source...William Wordsworth helped me relearn that a thinking man can have a souls voice.

Maybe I've changed or the people around me have changed. Whatever the case, I find myself unable to bounce my thoughts to anyone. The bitterness that is the infantry! What lives some live as they trade lies in exchange for stolen pride. Their thoughts top out at women, alcohol and infantry. No wonder no one cares about aesthetics around here.

How am I doing? I'm scared to even ask myself that question. The answer no more comes naturally as does a watch in the desert. I feel like I'm missing out on life. Maybe if my dream was to become a war junkie I would be thrilled at the residence I have so gained. The men to my left and right aren't the gentlemen we once knew of the army in the 40's. It's no wonder why the soldier is no longer seen as a 'catch'. I wouldn't be surprised after all the soldiers return would America see a baby implosion instead of a boom. My ideal army doesn't exist and I'm satisfied to leave an army ruled by restrictions instead of pride.

Lately I've been extremely quiet. Perhaps because I'm exhausted of other people's input or complaints. I just see it as useless tyraids of sorrow. Ultimately, bringing everyone down around them. I'd rather distance myself from that as a way of protecting myself. I've been enjoying researching personalities and reading old classic books online when my eyes dont hurt. I've been absolutely obsessed with Boards of Canada's Music is Math and Hi Scores. I play guitar to relax and practice drum strokes on a practice pad and sticks for artistic growth if you will. Makes me feel like I'm growing in some way. Chatting with my wife Olivia for an hour or so a day is the highlight of each day.

God seems to be knocking on my door, but its hard to have an open mind and heart in a place where everyone drags me down. I'm really interested in reading the Bible poetically meaning, regarding it as the truth, but reading it as wisdom and not an instruction manual picked apart by rules of grammer. Christians seem to be in awe of the writings of 16th-19th century authors. Maybe we're reading it with the wrong attitude. Intellectualism almost killed my faith. They seemed to be able to combine the heart, mind and soul into their faith with God. Something I've never done.